THE CHURCH OF SISYPHUS

THE HISTORY

Sisyphus, an ancient Greecian king who fettered and cheated Death, was doomed in Hell to push a huge boulder up a hill. Once he reached the top, it would roll down the other side, whereupon he would push it up again; and so on into eternity. Indeed, he is still doing it even as you read this. This is a very stupid way to spend your time.

But notice! even as he repeatedly carries out his meaningless task, even as his muscles strain and sweat pours off his shoulders in rivers, he still takes mighty strides as he ascends and descends that hill!

Inasmuch as all of life in this vale of years consists metaphorically of continuously pushing rocks of varying sizes up various inclines, we Sisypheans feel great camaraderie with Sisyphus, and empathize with his plight. Can we do less than take big strides in our own lives?

Thus, those who follow the way of Sisyphus always TAKE BIG STRIDES WHILE CLIMBING STAIRS, striving to cover at least two steps with every stride we take. In return for this simple task, Sisyphus promises us ETERNAL SALVATION and release from the cares and worries of this earth!

(Mathematically, this true path to salvation is expressed by the ratio ^x/_S where S = Number of strides you have taken while climbing or descending stairs, and x = Number of steps on those stairs. The count begins when you first become aware of the Sisyphean religion, and continues until your death.)

Example: Sisyphean Linda has walked over 2,905,427 steps in her life. 1,764,738 of these were crossed after she first heard the call of Sisyphus. The total number of strides she took in climbing and descending those stairs was 882,372. This gives her a Step / Stride ratio of 1.9999932 — .0000068 away from the high holy ratio of 2! At her death, Sisyphean Linda finds Eternal Salvation, and is canonized as a Saint.

But what if your ratio falls to 1.5 or below? (One and one half strides to one step.) Then, Eternal Salvation is denied you! But there is still hope, for all those who fail are REINCARNATED here on Earth. This cycle of failure and rebirth shall continue until you learn the way of Sisyphus, follow it, and find Salvation!

ANSWERS TO COMMON THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS

Do escalators count?
Escalators are an abomination, and anathema to the true Sisyphean. Of course, if the escalator is not moving, it counts the same as a normal flight of stairs.

And elevators?
Doubtful. Use with extreme caution.

And what about Stairmasters (TM)?
Stairmasters are a dangerous lure. They produce the illusion that one is climbing stairs, in like manner to an escalator, but Sisyphus is not fooled.
Let's get one thing straight. A stair is a stair in the eyes of Sisyphus. Don't come to us whining "Well, what about landings?" or "Does a curb count?" or "What happens if I rip the stairs out of a doll's house and jump back and forth over them?" or "What if I stand at the base of an escalator all day with my foot poised over the emerging steps?" Stairs are stairs. Don't be an ass.

What if you're physically disabled, and cannot use stairs?
Then you must use your imagination. Dream about taking mighty strides up and down stairs. Sisyphus will recognize that you're doing your best, and give you credit.

Well, suppose you had a Sisyphean on an infinite, perfectly flat plain, and the only stairs around had steps that were six feet high?
If the Sisyphean lacks equipment of any sort, he / she / it must use the dreaming strategy described above. Otherwise, the Sisyphean should make or obtain mountaineering equipment and a hang glider. The Sisyphean then climbs the side of the steps, and jumps down the stairs, using the hang glider for lift.

Doesn't it disturb you that the Sisyphean religion makes no account for personal responsibility, ethics or morals — that a condemned mass murderer, rapist, and traitor could receive Eternal Salvation by just taking big strides up the steps to the gallows?
Nope. Not a bit. Just as long as that person doesn't come back down and bother us again.

I'm a former Catholic, and I don't feel comfortable without a rosary. Is there a Sisyphean equivalent?
Some Sisypheans carry miniature staircase ornaments on bracelets or necklaces, claiming that it's easier to "let your fingers do the walking." However, others feel (with much validity) that such a token effort is not likely to please long-suffering Sisyphus. Until we work this out, you're probably better off just taking big strides — but carry a rosary if it makes you feel better. Just don't expect it to work.

What about Indulgences?
The practice of selling Indulgences (known among Sisypheans as "buying a stairway to heaven") is not permitted. No donations of any sort are accepted by the Church of Sisyphus. We exist to spread the word, not to make money.

I don't think Sisyphus is pushing that boulder anymore. Hercules smashed it on his visit to hell and freed him.
Maybe so. However, the metaphysical boulders that Sisyphus struggles with are more significant than any physical ones. We have but our simple faith in the face of sneers and mockery.

If failed Sisypheans (i.e., nearly everyone on Earth) reincarnate as babies, why is Earth's population steadily increasing? Where are all the new souls coming from?
Good question. We're working on this one.

HEROIC SISYPHEANS OF LEGEND

St. Edwin Merish, who was converted to Sisypheanism just prior to walking off a 13 story fire escape, thereby achieved a ratio of one stride (and extended fall) to 156 steps! By far our holiest Saint.

Superman is an honorary Sisyphean, most notably for his ability to leap tall buildings (containing many stairs) in a single bound. If we consider a skyscraper built in the shape of a capital "T" to contain stairs, Letterman also deserves this honor. Indeed, by extension, any Superman-like hero (e.g., Underdog, Mighty Mouse, Captain Courage, etc.) is an honorary Sisyphean.

The Biblical Jacob, in addition to being a trickster of Sisyphus's caliber, is also credited with receiving the first divine vision of a "Stairway to Heaven," for which he is venerated. Many Sisypheans also mystically intuit that Moses took great strides up and down Mt. Sinai, and is thus deserving of sainthood.

Many Sisypheans have glorified the Ancient Peruvians and the Egyptians for developing the stepped pyramid. However, the steps in question are very large, and would have resulted in a disappointingly small ratio, unless hang gliders were also in common usage — a supposition cast into grave doubt by reputable archaeologists.

IT'S EASY TO JOIN THE CHURCH!

In fact, it's involuntary. The count begins once you HEAR THE WORD — and you've just read this pamphlet! Your clock is already ticking!

But relax. You needn't abandon your current belief system to adopt the way of Sisyphus. After all, the only duty required by Sisyphus is to TAKE BIG STRIDES WHILE CLIMBING STAIRS. What other deity could be jealous of such a small ritual?

(If your own god prohibits having "other gods before me," go ahead and put Sisyphus after. He doesn't mind — AS LONG AS YOU TAKE THOSE BIG STRIDES.)

And it's healthy for you. The added exercise will strengthen your leg muscles, increase your red cell count, and provide greater stamina for your everyday life!

So how can you lose? You've already taken that all-important first step by reading this pamphlet. Now, just put one foot in front of the other, and start that climb to ETERNAL SALVATION!

Archbishop Anthony
Our Lady of the Perpetual Reascension
536 Green Village Road, Green Village, NJ 07935

Or e-mail jja@nac.net.

Scalious praise to Cardinal Darren Shalich for receiving the primal vision that engendered the Church of Sisyphus.